I write not to convince you, rather I write because I believe in these words that spring forth from my soul. – Raheem Mills
As another year approaches its end, one can never help recalling the time that has passed as we gaze into a near and unknown future. A brand new year offers a blank canvas to most. Much like being born again, it carries with it a clean slate, a new beginning, or a fresh start to finally get it right this time. This year I’m gonna quit smoking, get in shape, make more money, you name it we often exclaim it, and boast about this being our breakout year. Regardless, the end results are generally like the previous year and once again we have missed the mark. Have you ever stopped to examine why? Why is it that we’ve missed the mark yet again despite the fact that this year we dug deeper, worked more efficiently, and even armed ourselves with more expertise this go around?
Over the past couple of months, my wife and I have been wrestling with a major decision that would start us down a new path in the coming year. The question was whether or not I should attend Med school. It seems like a no brainer, but not for someone who has only wanted to entertain his whole life. Such a path would certainly demand I dig deeper, work more efficiently, and again arm myself with a ton of expertise, but that’s OK, I’m use to that. I have unbelievable drive and a belief that I could conquer anything including becoming a doctor, however something didn’t feel quite right within me. When I spoke of my plans to others it didn’t roll of the tongue like I expected it should, rather it fell and always landed a bit awkward especially to those that really know me I’m sure.
Like any man of faith would do, I took it to God in prayer and sought the counsel of others. The advice received allowed me to digest varying perspectives, but still I remained at a crossroads. My wife and I began to pray more feverishly and specifically as the new year began to close in on us and then it happened. I went unplugged for a day and set out across town to visit the biggest book store we have locally. I was in search of a book I could not find anywhere including in the digital jungles of Amazon. The fact that it was so elusive intrigued me even more, and I became all the more determined to get my hands on it. Nothing unusual at this point except I was going unplugged, and the bookstore I was traveling to was one that I don’t normally visit, but they offered a wider selection and a greater chance at victory. When I arrived I went straight to customer service full of optimism knowing if it was anywhere it had to be here. You can imagine my surprise when I was told they didn’t have it.
Despite my disappointment, I decided I would make the most of my time and pick out a few books I could sink my mind into. I picked out your typical success minded business book, a book on marriage having felt a particular fondness for my wife the past few weeks, and a book on christian living. It was my plan to dive right into the business book and skim through the others, however my spirit was being drawn to the book on christian living. The force was powerful, magnetic, and insistent. Finally, I let go and allowed myself to be carried on the spirits wings and with every page I heard God whispering in my ear. I was instantly hooked and devoured most of it over the next few days. It spoke to the hearts of men through tales of self-discovery and scripture with beautiful detail and clarity. I was reminded of an old wound that had been lodged in my soul for as long as I can remember, a wound whose existence was given birth to by the absence of a father.
Like most men, I shrugged it off and never dwelled on it too much. However, the more I reflected the more I began to see patterns in my life. All my drive, my perfectionism, my dollar chasing, my womanizing, and all my bravado was perhaps all just a cheap search for the type of validation that only a father could bestow upon his son. I discovered a fear beneath the surface. It was a fear of failure, a fear of being found out that perhaps I wasn’t the man I thought I was, and a fear of ultimately being on my own. In fact, much of my temper was probably due to the fact I felt alone in a world that constantly demanded more of me and I wasn’t sure if I could come through. My wound had long been suppressed by a combination of talent, drive, and a seemingly endless search in all the wrong places. God had finally answered my prayer. Med school would just be another detour in my long list of detours. I would be gaining the whole world for sure, but forfeiting more and more of my soul.
The key to every man is found within his heart, which could only be filled and healed by God. Anything less than God and we are left with a void in our hearts and a reflection of our imitation selves.We have all been wounded if we are honest, which brings me back to the question I posed earlier and the key to every resolution for life. Why do we fail in our resolutions? Have you ever noticed 99.9% of all resolutions have to do with exterior fixes? We’ve all been broken so long that we don’t even notice how broken we are! Instead of digging deeper in the gym trying to lose weight maybe we need to visit the wound that causes us to want to eat more. When we attempt to only fix the exterior we neglect to fix the root cause and even though we may make great strides it returns as the same problem or a new one. Talking through your wounds with trusted loved ones and enlisting the help of the author of life is the only way to attack the root cause, to be set free, and ultimately live the authentic wonderful life you were made to live. Let us together revisit the scars of the past so we can move forward in this New Year.
